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Wednesday, June 18th, 2003

Subject:life or something like it
Time:3:27 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
let us breathe some more. it's a little after 3 in the afternoon... lissa and ronnie just came home from school... and i've done absolutely nothing all day. unless you count the 1/2 hour that i straightened up my room (which is not fully straightened). it must be some kind of law that when you are off for a day of work or something that you just lay around and do shit just because you can. unfortunately, it makes me feel like a complete and total loser. go figure. last night i was having some major back spasms and so dad gave me valium and let me tell you that shit knocked me out until after 11am this morning. i was a goner... completely. dad and jill are now out running errands.. they have been for about 3 hours now, but not like i care... i like having the house all to myself sometimes.

i just read lissa's journal where she talked about ishy (our cousin) being grounded. i'm going to sit here and rant about it. i know it might seem pointless, but if her parents are so inclined to hack into my damn computer as well, they can readily see how i feel about the whole issue. apparently, she was grounded because of her xanga. so, just sitting here thinking about it i'm going "what a fucking STUPID thing to be grounded for." do you know what this journal is for? what mine is for? what everyone's is for? to get out everything that is on our chest and just say FUCK YOU to the people we can and I LOVE YOU to those others. it releases our feelings, attitudes, and believe it or not, it's fucking therapy. no one understands that those of us with journals that don't just sit there and relive our daily lives, but actually have substance and some emotional worth, are the only outlets some of us have. that writing it down is sending it away from us. that people who understand us could say "hey, i'm here for you." you mistakenly assume that those people are just there to help deteriorate, when they are there to HELP, to understand, like those others just do not. and then you might say "why don't you just write it down?" well, i highly doubt that ishy could keep anything private or personal in her house, considering the lengths that were taken just to find her fucking ONLINE journal. i wouldn't be surprised if her room were ransacked every day while she was at school. so, one last note to her parents: i do not respect you. and if you do every find out about this, i don't fucking care. you do realize that i am my own individual and you were never there before these last few years. you don't understand your own daughter. at all. you think you're doing things for her betterment when i can assure you that you are doing the complete opposite.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, June 16th, 2003

Subject:the amazingly true adventures of photo girl...
Time:11:28 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
so, i've started a job.. at wal-mart of all places, working in the photo lab. this, i think, is a much better job than just working at wal-mart because i actually ENJOY my job. and NOW, after four days of anylyzing, i can come on here and devote an entire web-post on my fellow employees. this is more for your benefit than it is mine since if i ever mention these people again you'll automatically just refer back here. or, if your too lazy to do that, you'll just sit and nod and pretend to know what's going on. whichever you prefer. now, without further ado...

first, there's wendy. she's my manager, and as manager's go, she's very cool and laid back and is probably one of my favorite people that i work with. she has this weird sense of humor that reminds me of a combination of my friends all put together. she's young and has three children and a fiance.

eddie. now, eddie is interesting.... that's about as far as i'll go. he's nice and soft-spoken, but a little eccentric. i'm not sure how to describe him, really. he's just... eddie.

brandi is... um... nice. i mean, she's really nice. yeah... that's about it. wow... i'm really making some GREAT assessments here, aren't i? don't worry... the good ones come last.

now andrea, she's my favorite fellow employee so far. she goes out of her way to show me what to do and how to do it and we seem to just be able to talk about nearly everything.

ken is weird. i don't know if i like him or not... i haven't really gotten to know him all that well yet, and i worked with him for two whole days too.

lilly and julie i just met today and really have no impression so far. well, except for lilly is very hispanic and has that fiestiness about her, ya know? i'm not even being stereotypical, either...she just DOES!

leanna. ok, here's the kicker. she's the bitch of the photo lab. no one likes her. no one at all. today she was outright rude to me within the first HOUR i was there and i just met her and she KNOWS i'm new. i cannot deal with her. she's a witch and a bitch and i cannot stand the woman. ego-centric maniac. *growls*

ok, anyway, i think that's it. i really don't want to write anymore because i'm tired as hell and i need to go to bed. so, to all of you out there who read this *looks out onto a sea of.... no one* thanks, and good night!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 28th, 2003

Subject:sleep and idiots
Time:12:09 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
well, i was close. 1:30ish i started to get all sleepy and closed my eyes to fall asleep. woke up at 7:50..so i got a little over 6 hours of sleep, which is quite decent. i had my job interview today at 10am... they said they were interviewing all into next week and would get back to me... this means that i probably won't get the job. lovely. so i stopped at manhatten bagel on the way home to apply, and the guy was like "to be honest i'm not looking for help right now... that sign is just always there." word of advice: DON'T PUT A FUCKING "NOW HIRING" SIGN OUT IF YOU'RE NOT HIRING, YOU ASSHOLE! sorry... got carried away there. i think i'm going to go now.. watch some tv... call some people... and go to the gym sometime later. bah.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 27th, 2003

Subject:she's a maniac... maniac.. oh hell, i don't know the words to that song nemore...
Time:12:25 am.
Mood: hyper.
back again. i swear, this job thing is really really pissing me the fuck off. yes, i have an interview tomorrow, but if i don't get tired soon i'm not going to get enough sleep to do well at it. u see, i was majorly depressed today... cried a whole bunch.... cried more when amanda called me. then all of a sudden i can't stop thinking... can't stop moving... can't stop doing. i'm making a purse, but i don't have a working sewing machine readily available. i think i'm going to ask jill if she knows if jen has a sewing machine i could borrow for the day. my feet are extremely hot in these slippers... yet as soon as i take them out, my feet freeze. go figure, it's just like me to be that way, huh? my eyes have this extreme pain in them as if they've been open for more than 24 hours, but i know that they haven't been... only a little more than 13 actually. i really should get to bed soon, but i have this fear that i'm going to be lying there awake for the longest time... and i hate it when that happens. do you all realize that i have SEVEN pillows of varying sizes on my bed right now? who the FUCK needs SEVEN pillows?!?! apparently me for some god-forsaken reason. hmmm.. i've been wanting to say fuck all day, and now that i finally have, it wasn't as good as i thought it would be. oh well.

okay, so let's talk about my house ONCE again. can someone say we are ALLERGIC to conversation? for christ's sake, i try to hold a conversation with someone and i get absolutely nothing in response. the only person i EVER get conversation out of is lissa. it's not like i've forgotten how to talk, is it? i mean, are my communication skills THAT lacking that i can't even have a decent conversation without getting a look of absolute annoyance from the other person? aha! maybe THAT'S why i'm not getting a job! secretly they all know of this communication deficiency and so my chances of gaining any type of employment are slim to none. i've finally figured it all out. what-the-fuck-ever. i have no fucking communication deficiency... i AM the one who knows how to communicate. so everyone who doesn't like me can KISS MY ASS.

whoo... now that i've gotten that off my chest i guess i'll go lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling until i fall asleep. i'm saying.... 2am. i'll let u know how close i am tomorrow. nite nite!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 19th, 2003

Subject:shoot me
Time:9:24 pm.
Mood: sick.
another day another entry. still too sick to do anything that productive, although i did send out 5 more resumes... maybe something will happen soon. my life doesn't seem interesting right now and i'm not sure why. anyone reading this will probably want to beat their head in because nothing rational ever comes out of my self-depricating mouth. wow... big words there for ya.

ok, lost my train of thought... i decided to go online and talk to people and have my computer be a bitch. i don't even know where i was going with that last statement. blah.. whatever. i can't believe that it's almost 9:30 already... this day went by fast for a day that i did absolutely nothing. ugh... i HATE not being able to breathe! i feel so... gipped out of life when i'm sick... i can't do the things that i wanted to do... and i have yet to actually go to the gym for a decent time. more lying down for me... how absolutely lovely!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, May 18th, 2003

Subject:nyquil dementia
Time:10:28 pm.
Mood: sick.
ok, so before i get under complete haze, i thought i should write a little. this summer is depressing me. i don't see amanda every day, i don't have a job yet, and i'm sick. why on earth is this all happening at once? since all i really want to do is lay in my bed and sleep, i find myself forcing myself to NOT do that so i don't fall so deeply down into some form of depression that i won't be able to get out of. i'm happy only few times... usually when either amanda is here (or i'm there) or i feel like someone of some sort of worth. this usually happens when i don't just shut myself away in my room. but of course my house is WEIRD and EVERYONE shuts themselves up. god forbid they know what's going on inside my head... or want to talk to me at all. but i'm not all that bad yet.. i'm sure the medicine is helping in that department. i knew this was going to happen though. it happens all the time. i'll feel this way the first few weeks of school when i change environments again (but it won't be that bad cause since amanda is my only roomie and i know her... yeah, you understand). my house is so god-damned boring and the quinisential death trap. yes... that's what i named it. it seems that here is the place where i feel the most depressed most of the time.

SLAP ME.... so i can get out of this unending mode of self-pity. PLEASE.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 14th, 2003

Subject:first entry from home... feel the love...
Time:9:59 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
home for the summer now.... i absolutely hate it. i mean, it's nice to not be in that god-awful apartment with amy and the girl who lived next door.... but i miss things... my independence... laura... and definitely amanda. it's weird cause we spent the days and nights together, and now we have to be an hour apart and just call each other on the telephone. it's so weird. actually, i just got back today from visiting her for two days... thats only because neither of us has a job or anything right now. speaking of which, i have no idea how i'm going to save enough money to pay for my apartment for next year if i don't get at least two jobs soon. stressing. my life didn't used to be like this.. i had sort of an artistic take on everything... i had passion for things. i don't now... i only have passion for very few things, such as friends, amanda, and... um... sleep. i used to write. i used to draw. i used to get better grades in school and not mind going and doing more theatre. now i don't do any of that, and i get highly irritated when i have to be out of the house for theatre. tells you how the rest of my life is going to be, isn't it? i like staying in and watching movies now. not saying that that's bad entertainment, because it's not, it's just that i've changed so much. i'm also not saying that i changed for the worse, because i don't think i have, i just am shocked about how much i have. boy, that was a long explaination. and i also can't explain how i lost my creativity.

i should go.. i have to call amanda now. l8er!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

Subject:pity me, i'm rich...
Time:8:00 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
i seriously love my life... not. classes are over and finals start next week. not only to i have to worry about my finals, but i also have to make sure that everything is in order for the theatre appriciation class as well. it's all bullshit.. i may as well give everyone A's. anyway, so i call home just a little bit ago and branden answers the phone. apparently my parents are away at the shore for the weekend. of course, saying they have no money.. thanking me for mailing the check for the concert that i'm going to this summer because money was tight. hey, but go to the shore! spend some more money! not like i had a big deal giving them the $ since i told them i would, but it's just the principle of it all. ugh. can you tell that i'm not having a good day at ALL. i HATE HATE HATE HATE oceanography with a passion and i can't wait for this semester to be over. of course, that means that i have to go home and find a job or two right away and spend my entire existence trying to pay for an apt. for next year.... and they can go wherever they want! me, i can stay home and watch the animals chase each other... i think that'll be my only form of entertainment all summer... oh, except for the concert way at the end.

i need to breathe. i need to just get away, but i can't. i can't even get a moment alone with anyone either... let me tell you that... but that of course is another story. i think i just need... well, i don't know what. sometimes i wish i knew what i needed. i need the support that i once felt with my family. that would be nice. that's not going to happen any time soon, however, because i just don't think i can bring myself up to living the same way with them and feeling welcomed anymore. i just can't deal with it and the notion that they do not, in fact, feel that my lifestyle is of equal standing to their own. goddamn... i need to just shut up...

and i need chocolate... but that's a given....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003

Time:4:39 pm.
Mood: blah.
so i wrote a bunch of stuff yesterday and i accidently closed the window and didn't feel like typing anymore. i don't even feel like typing now, but i will because i can. or maybe i won't. bleh. yes. bleh.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2003

Subject:this absolute bitterness
Time:4:12 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
oceanography can kiss my ass. i swear, no matter how long i study for those damn tests i can't seem to get anything right. whatever. i'm sick of school. more aprehensive about going home though. part of me does not want to go there under any circumstances. i'm going to feel like a visitor in my own home... and i hate that. nothing is ever going to be the same. seriously though, i don't know what else to do than to go home. eh. so now i guess i should talk about other things.

tomorrow amanda and i are going to her house for easter... then coming back on monday. i have so many things to do this weekend too... god forbid that i enjoy myself or anything. oooh.. getting off the subject of school and everything is not happening very well, is it?

ok, so overall my emotions have not gotten the best of me yet. i cried today in my therapy session b/c of the whole home thing, but other than that... and yesterday when i was on the verge of crying all day... it's all been pretty good. i'm going to get my period soon (something i'm sure you all wanted to know) so it's to be expected that i'll be emotional. right now i'm alright... after crying about an hour ago i think i got it all out and i'm in a terribly good mood except for the whole bitterness thing. amanda is dancing and singing next to me... lol... how cute. i like this whole leaving the window open thing too. of course, tomorrow it's going to be 41 degrees out. nothing can ever be too wonderful for too long, can it? wow... more bitterness. someone needs to slap me... and i guess i'll go before i get too nasty... lol.
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Sunday, April 6th, 2003

Time:2:31 pm.
Mood: tired.
sitting in the library. i'm tired. amanda and i are here working on her paper... right now i have nothing to do because she's putting in quotes... then i edit it. part of me wants to sleep. medicine is making me tired for some reason. maybe i can make myself a bed on the floor and wait for her to be done. i think that's what i'm going to do... i know... short entry, but at least i wrote...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003

Subject:the anti-therapy rant
Time:3:56 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
i'm getting really sick of this whole therapy thing. like, true, i need it and everything, but sometimes when everything is going ok i feel like i'm doing something i shouldn't be doing. then i have a crying fit and it all comes back to me. i don't know anymore. i think that the main thing is that up here in bloom i'm not truely comfortable with the people that i'm seeing. and god forbid i say that i should see them every TWO weeks instead of every week. i feel like a baby. i think that two weeks is sufficient... and that i'd call if there were a problem in the meantime. j.h. christ. it's just sad when i think that i'm doing better on my own than going to Sybil who doesn't do anything for me except listen... she never provides advice or anything. it's rather sad. when i'm at home i have Holly who is wonderful. but here it's like i am on my own regardless of the fact that i supposedly have therapists and such. i feel like amanda is my fucking therapist and she's not supposed to be... in fact, i go to therapists so i don't HAVE to burden my friends. whole lot of good that's doing. and of course i have to go now... directing class audtions once again. thanks for reading...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003

Time:2:22 pm.
Mood: drained.
it's been awhile once again. i feel like i've been neglecting this or something, so i've decided to write. lot of things have been going on. i'm currently not exactly talking with my parents... i'm sure that i will eventually, but as of right now it's not on anyone's agenda. props for as you like it... bleh... damn sock puppet. today there are auditions for the directing one acts... i'm one of the directors so i have to cast and all that jazz... i feel priveledged. my moods have been anything less than perfect recently, but i'm moving along i suppose. i'm sure amanda could tell you differently, but i'm more together than i ever was... and that's pretty damn scary considering that i'm still not. what i really want is for school to be over so that i could just move on with my life. i have to wait another year for that to happen, however, and i'm not too happy about that. i don't know what i'm going to be doing for the summer... my resume should probably be updated and sent out soon to places for the summer. but of course, i don't even know how i'm going to get to work if i get a job. go figure. sometimes i wish it all made sense. it never does though, and so i continue on doing what i'm doing. after auditions today i'm going to have dinner with amanda and then we're going to be doing homework and watching tv all night. i'm so drained. i can't wait till easter vacation... when i'm going home with amanda i presume and we're just hanging out at her house for a couple of days. then it's back here to the hum-drum world of BU. *yawns* i should go... maybe i'll check and see whether or not i can get that communications class rather than that damn history class...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, February 14th, 2003

Subject:happy valentine's day
Time:6:08 pm.
Mood: lonely.
it's 6:10pm and i'm in karen's office in Haas. i'm miserable. i think that i just want this day to be over. i think it's mainly because of tech. it might also have something to do with how lonely i've felt all day... not that i'm alone in the least bit or in any sense, but... i've just FELT that way. have you ever just FELT someway even though logic tells you that you're stupid? yeah, that's me right now. part of me just wants to remove myself from everything. i want to start fresh. i want to just move someplace completely away from everything and everyone i know just so i can get a handle on things... then when i come back it'll be better... i'll be better... i'll be stronger... nothing will get to me and i'll be able to just LIVE. oh, but i can't do that... i know that i wouldn't even be able to fathom it... and there's no way in hell i'd become indifferent to the things around me. there's no way that if my master electrician is complaining that i won't take it personally. and there's no way if the person i love is loved by someone else that it won't upset me tremendously. just the way it is. just how i am. the thing is, i'm not sad or anything of the sort... i think it's mainly a feeling of wanting to change myself... of wanting to accept life as it is instead of crying about it or letting it hurt me or making me get out of control.

but today i am lonely. i'm not sure what i need, though... since i think when you're lonely you need something. i can't even put my finger on it... it's just there. i don't know. we're starting in 10 minutes... it's 6:20 now. ahhh... tech....
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Thursday, February 6th, 2003

Subject:feeling better
Time:5:15 pm.
Mood: okay.
for those of you at home (or whatever) just wanted to inform you of what has happened to me as of late. this past monday i had a breakdown, went to the hospital... they wanted to have my committed, but instead my parents came up and i got signed over into their care. back at bloom now, feeling better, and glad about that. right now i'm in amanda's room while she's getting ready to go to work at swimming and the wrestling match. i, on the other hand, am going to be staying here enjoying a night just hanging out and stuff. i also have to do some work and shit, but i'll get that done too. amanda sprayed her perfume.. smells good... just some random tidbit for ya'll. i think that's all really... i don't have much other news and today i injured my ass in judo.

oh... and for those who have asked (sorry it took so long to get back to you!) for my IM name, it's ProzacBaby10514 and my email address is BUtheatre04@yahoo.com part of me wants to change my im name SO bad, but too many people know it, so i shouldn't... oh well.. life will go on...
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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003

Time:8:54 am.
Mood: sad.
i have too long of a day and i woke up crying. that tells you how absolutely WONDERFUL i feel right now. i need to just... i dunno.... i'm not sure right now... i'm making no sense.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, January 28th, 2003

Subject:complain complain complain
Time:1:23 am.
Mood: cranky.
surprise, surprise.... here i am updating. i've been having major headaches as of late... i'm not sure what exactly is going on, but i've also been taking mucho advil. amanda is now regulating its usage. rehearsal for The Adding Machine is excruciating. i feel as if i want to shoot myself during each and every night. i'm not sure why... maybe it's ross... maybe it's the fact that some of the actors are annoying.... maybe it's because i want to spend the evenings with amanda. i think it's the latter.

i have $20 to my name. i get paid on valentines day, but at least $40 of that is going to pay for my fucking fine that that evil bitch shauna is the cause of. another $20 is going towards bills. and damnit, i have to buy toilet paper soon too. i can't deal. i'm not happy about this money situation at all. there's not much i can do about it either... short from asking the 'rents for some.... but that becomes a situation because they're the ones that gave me the $20 in the first place... in a valentine's day card.

my eyes hurt. perhaps i should go to bed. judo tomorrow... i NEED sleep for that one.... night all.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 25th, 2003

Subject:bleh
Time:2:17 pm.
Mood: tired.
i'm really bored. i don't know.. maybe i'm not, but whatever. amanda and i are in the library right now. she has tons of homework and i have nothing to do. well, i COULD read the book i have to for directing, but i really don't want to. that's another story. i'm also very tired... but that's probably because i took nyquil last night at, like, 5am. omg.. seriously i need to SLEEP, but i can't! i think i'm going to take a nap on the floor....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 19th, 2003

Time:6:10 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
it's been awhile... i'm drinking tonight... it shall be interesting i'm sure. it feels like forever since i've really drank. i mean, even new years i wasn't drunk at all. it's weird. neway, i'm so glad i don't have rehearsal tonight... it really makes my day. i've been all wishy-washy as of late as well.... i think it has something to do with the whole roomate thing... u know... living up here with those three. and i'm having a craving for something... i'm not sure what. i hate it when that happens. oh well. i suppose i should get my stuff out to wear. later.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, January 15th, 2003

Time:12:04 am.
i'm tired.... just thought i would share
Comments: Add Your Own.

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